


On the Long Way Down

by Alice_h



Series: A Place of Our Own [14]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Family Drama, I'm Sorry, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:15:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22603831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alice_h/pseuds/Alice_h
Summary: A loving partner, an amazing daughter and a great job - Adora has the perfect life. Or so people tell her. With stresses and insecurities mounting in her mind, will she be able to cope?
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Series: A Place of Our Own [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1511849
Comments: 263
Kudos: 106





	1. Mummy Adora Day

**Author's Note:**

> Introducing the new antagonist... Adora's brain!
> 
> Seriously though, she is not going to have a good time over the next few chapters. As ever, specific content warnings will be in the notes - there is one for homophobic abuse in this chapter.

Every Monday afternoon, Adora took advantage of having no classes to teach and let herself have a few hours to relax alone. She’d often plan to do things such as browsing shops or spending some time out in a park – anything she could do on her own that would leave her feeling calm and chilled. It helped counteract the stress of going back to work on a Monday morning, especially after two hours of her upper year Psychopathology students. They were a bright group, and rewarding to teach, but there was always a rapid-fire of awkward questions throughout the whole session which always ended up putting her way behind in her lecture plan. She definitely needed the break afterwards.

It was even more essential for Adora after the weekend she’d just had. Late last week, she and Catra had managed to secure a date for their wedding later in the year, and that had sent them into planning overdrive. The two of them had been up late with lists and budgets stressing them out. It had been overwhelming, and much of their Sunday afternoon had been spent silently ignoring each other after a discussion about wedding cakes had deteriorated into a row. They’d made up by the evening, but Adora still looked forward to the couple of hours she would have by herself to bring the stress down a little. In addition, having the afternoon off also gave her the opportunity to pick Amber up from school – Catra fetched her home most of the week, so the ‘Mummy Adora days’ were special and exciting for both of them. She wasn’t entire sure which of them enjoyed it more given the sheer delight that Amber would express when she saw her mother in the playground.

Waiting outside the classroom. she could spot her daughter through the window as the children got their things together to leave. Adora always found it cute how Amber seemed so grown-up when she was there, unaware that her mother could see her. It was like she was a proper little person: chatting to her friends, tidying away her work, getting her coat on… all so very sweet and innocent. Once the kids had got themselves ready, they waited while the teacher talked to them briefly, and a few moments later the door opened. The children spilled out into the playground, her daughter skipping over to her the moment she spotted her, then giving her a hug.

“Hey, baby! How was school?”

Amber gave a beaming smile. Her unwavering happiness was always a joy to see, “It was fun!”

“Do anything nice?”

“Yeah, but I don’t remember.”

Adora laughed to herself. Sometimes the girl could say the funniest things without any awareness of why they were so hilarious, which was so endearing, “Come on you, let’s get home.”

“In a minute!” her daughter thrust her schoolbag into her mother’s hands and tore off, calling out to one of her friends. The two girls ran around the playground, gleeful laughter coming from both of them, whilst Adora watched on. Moments like this made her feel so proud of her daughter and she reflected upon how lucky she felt to have become Amber’s mother. But they also brought up the worries about whether she was giving the girl a good childhood, whether she was doing enough and if she was looking after her properly. These thoughts had often pervaded her mind, tending to come up more when she felt stressed.

Once the two youngsters had finished whatever game they had made up, Amber came back towards her, enveloping her mother in a hug with such momentum that Adora almost lost her balance, something which made them both giggle. They walked hand-in-hand towards the gate, but before they could leave, a stocky, short-haired woman marched in front to intercept them, “Hey, you her mother?”

“Yes, I’m Adora,” she was a little afraid of the accusatory tone of the woman’s voice, but they were in the playground of their kids’ school, it wasn’t exactly a risky situation. Nevertheless, she held her daughter’s hand just a little more tightly, whilst trying to remain as friendly as she could, “Are you the mum of one of Amber’s friends?”

“I hope not. I think it’s horrible.”

“Hm? What’s horrible?”

The woman scoffed as though she couldn’t believe Adora didn’t understand her, giving a shocked look to an imaginary audience, “That they let you have kids! I know what you are.”

“I’m sorry, _what_?” Adora narrowed her eyes, already quite certain she knew where this conversation was going. She had been lucky enough not to have encountered many people like that, although she remained painfully aware that they existed.

“It’s child abuse, that’s what it is. One man, one woman is how kids should be raised – if I had my way you people wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near children. You poison them with your disgusting ideas. You’d best keep away from my kid, or I swear to God you’ll regret it.”

An anxious feeling shot up inside Adora and she wasn’t willing to stay around and defend herself. This woman looked ready to fight, and she couldn’t risk getting her daughter involved in something that could turn nasty. Quickly, she hurried out of the school grounds and towards her car in a panic, almost shoving Amber forward in her rush to get away. With the woman yelling after her, she could only think about moving as fast as she could, not even caring about appearing rude as she pushed through the parents and children on the narrow sidewalk. The anxiety subsided only marginally when she reached her car, and in her agitated state it took her several attempts to properly grasp the door handle. Once her daughter was strapped in, Adora ran around into the driver’s seat, closing and locking the door. Her head flopped forward onto the steering wheel. Only then could she finally breathe again now they were both safe.

_She’s right, you know. I’m a horrible mother and Amber’s going to grow up and hate me. Why did I even think that having a kid was a good idea? Me and my stupid impulses, they’re ruining her life as well as my own now. I’m never going to be good enough to look after a child._

“Mummy?” a finger poking her side brought Adora back out of her own head, “Are we going home?”

“Sorry, darling, yes,” she started the engine, still feeling rattled, and began to pull out into the road. The moment she moved, the sound of screeching tyres and a horn filled her ears. Adora jammed her foot onto the brake and stopped quickly but couldn’t get out of the way in time to avoid the loud bang of the other car colliding with the side of hers, just behind her.

_Great, so I almost killed her as well? I might as well just give her to Catra for good, at least she’ll give the kid a chance of making it to adulthood without too much trauma._

There were shouts from people outside the car, as well as her daughter screaming in terror next to her, but everything felt muted to Adora. She was frozen, her eyes staring straight ahead at nothing while her peripheral version faded away. A knock on the window next to her was what jumped her back to reality.

“It’s okay baby, you’re okay,” she tried to pacify Amber with one hand whilst opening the window with the other, “Mummy’s fine, don’t worry, we’ll get you home.”

The driver of the other car was a twenty-something man with a mess of dark hair. Adora seemed to recognise him as another parent – one from the other class in Amber’s year group. Although he was initially intending to berate her for her carelessness, once he saw her, that anger turned to concern, “Are you alright, love?”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she was focusing more on calming her tearful child, paying only a small amount of attention to the person at her window, “Everything’s okay, baby.”

The man gave a sympathetic look, pulling the handle to open the door but getting nowhere, “Can you unlock the car for me?”

“No… no, I need to go home… She needs her dinner.”

“Listen to me, stop. You’re in shock,” he said firmly, “We need to get both of you out, so you can let your daughter know she’s fine, okay? I’ll move your car out the way for you and then take you home so you can arrange for it to be towed. Can you do that for me?”

Adora nodded, her shaking hand homing in on the button to unlock the doors. It took a couple of attempts to press, but as soon as the mechanism clunked, the man opened her door, excusing himself as he reached across to unbuckle her seatbelt and gently remove her from the vehicle. On the other side, a young woman had already taken Amber and was sat on a nearby bench with the girl. Adora ran over towards her, taking her daughter into her arms to comfort herself as much as Amber.

Flickers of the few parts she remembered from the crash she was in came to her mind. A relatively low-speed shunt was nothing compared to a car rolling into a field at 70mph, but Adora’s panic-addled brain failed to make any distinction. She couldn’t help but envisage herself standing over a hospital bed, looking at her unconscious child with the horrible sensation of knowing that she’d caused it. The look Catra would give her when they were told there was nothing the doctors could do.

“Everything’s okay, Amber,” she whispered, holding her tightly, “Mummy’s here.”

_It’s not, though, is it? I just got my kid into a car crash because I wasn’t paying attention. I’m a danger to my own child – Catra will probably never let me near her again. She’s going to hate me, I know it. I'm going to lose them both... what's the point of anything if I haven't got my family?_

* * *

“Here, this’ll help,” Catra set a mug of hot, sweet tea on the table in front of her fiancée and leaned back against the kitchen counter, “What happened, Adora?”

She stared into the mug, fixated on a few bubbles that were spinning around in the centre of the liquid, “I’m sorry. I was in a panic and distracted because this woman, she… it doesn’t matter.”

“What woman? Did something happen at the school?”

“I shouldn’t have taken it to heart,” she slurped at the tea, which didn’t seem to have any immediate effect on relaxing her, “She said stuff about me and Amber.”

With growing concern, Catra pulled the chair opposite Adora to sit down in front of her, “What do you mean, ‘stuff’?”

“It doesn’t matter. Just forget I said anything,” she tried to rest her head in her hands, but Catra pulled them away. She wasn’t going to let her hide this.

“Adora…”

“Alright,” she knew her fiancée wouldn’t drop the matter. There was no way to gloss over it either, “She was saying how us being Amber’s parents was child abuse.”

“What the fuck?!” Catra’s mouth gaped open as she processed what she’d been told, and she covered it in embarrassment, praying that her daughter hadn’t heard what just came out of her mouth. She couldn’t fathom the idea that there were still people as vocally homophobic as that, “Right, I’m calling the school.”

Adora reached out to stop her. She didn’t want to make a fuss about the issue – she’d rather forget the whole thing, “No, don’t. It’s… there won’t be anyone there anyway.”

“I’m not letting this woman get away with it. What if she says something to Amber? Look, I’ll have a word with her teacher tomorrow.”

“Just drop it, please. It’s not that bad.”

She remained firm, “No, Adora. I’m not having that around my child – _our_ child.”

 **_My_ ** _child? That was no slip of the tongue, it can’t have been. I was right, Catra thinks I’m an unfit mother and she’s already planning to take Amber away. I’m going to have to give her up, I might never see her again, I-_

“Hey, you gonna answer that?”

“Huh?” Adora startled, becoming aware of the sound of her phone ringing in her bag. She pulled it out, an expression of confusion painted across her face when she saw the caller, “It’s Mara…?”

“What does she want?” Catra tilted her head, bewildered. Her fiancée had not seen her family even once since Christmas six years ago when they had walked out on her parents. Adora and Mara had exchanged a few curt messages in the weeks after, but that had fizzled out quickly when it became clear Mara was trying to ‘see both sides’. That phrase actually meant ‘defend my queer-hating parents’, and she had no desire to keep any contact with someone who would do that.

“I have no idea,” she tapped the screen to answer and put the phone to her ear, “What do you want?”

_“Mum’s not well.”_

“So? What are you bugging me for? Just give her a couple of aspirin and she’ll be fine in the morning. Or not. I don’t really care.”

_“No, Adora, she won’t. I know you don’t like her-”_

Adora laughed derisively, “Don’t like her? That doesn’t even begin to cover it.”

_“Please, just listen. I’ve left this as late as I can, but I can’t hold off telling you any longer – she’s not going to get better, Adora.”_


	2. Addy and Rara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora visits her mother, hoping for some last-minute reconciliation. Will she get it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's all downhill from here. As ever, I've delved into my dark past to (hopefully) add that uncomfortably real edge to Adora's story. On the downside, it IS uncomfortably real:
> 
> If you don't have any topics that will bother you and don't want a slight spoiler, you can skip the rest of the notes. If you have certain topics you'd rather avoid, I will pre-warn you of suicide/self-harm references and parental invalidation/mental abuse. In addition, the last part of this chapter is a scene involving self harm that could possibly be upsetting or triggering to some. I have not made it particularly graphic, but still... if you don't want to read that, please stop after Adora arrives back home. I know it may be tempting to continue, but do it for me, OK?

“What do you mean she’s not going to get better? Is she dying?”

_“Not exactly. We don’t know how long she has left; it could be months, could be years. It’s her state of mind that’s the problem.”_

Adora was overcome with a feeling of concern that she hated herself for having. This woman had made a misery of her teenage years with her constant pressure and dismissive manner when Adora had tried to open up to her. Where, then, did this sensation of sadness – loss, even – come from? Surely she wasn’t feeling compassion for her mother, “Her state of mind?”

_“It’s been on the slide for a couple of years. At first, she would forget people’s names and stuff like that – we chalked that up to being the wrong side of 60. But it got worse. She wouldn’t remember who we were sometimes, or things like where she lived. I knew you wouldn’t want to see her again, so I didn’t tell you… I even thought twice about calling you now, but she’s having more bad days than good, Adora. If you don’t see her soon, she’ll have forgotten you entirely.”_

“I bet she can’t wait for that.”

_“Adora, please. It will do you both good to see each other and it… well, it might be the last time.”_

“I…” she pressed her palm into her forehead. A big part of her was telling her that she needed to do this, that she had to see her mother while there was a chance of the apology that she badly wanted to hear. It was fighting with the side of her that screamed at her not to subject herself to her mother’s inevitable criticisms and jibes. Adora faced an impossible decision that left her feeling torn – she would almost certainly feel bad whatever she chose. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “Alright, tell me where she is.”

* * *

The address Mara had given her was a large, modern building that was part care home and part hospital. On the outside, it had been decorated in a mock-Tudor style that, at least to Adora’s mind, seemed rather pointless given the sheer size of the place. The interior was much more clinical, albeit with a few touches to make it feel more like home for the people who lived there. Almost immediately upon entering the reception area, Adora spotted her sister waiting for her.

“Where is she?” Adora had no time for pleasantries when it came to her family. She simply wanted to get this done, then go back home.

“Just through here," Mara began walking, "But I need to warn you, Adora, she’s having a bad day today so she might not even know who you are. And she doesn’t have any filter, so don’t take anything to heart, okay?”

Adora snorted a small, ironic laugh, “My entire life with her has been trying not to take what she says to heart. Trust me, I’ll find it a lot easier than you, Golden Child.”

“Please don’t do this, Adora. I know she’s been awful to you, but-”

“No, you don’t. You have no idea what she drove me to,” she shook her head dismissively as Mara stopped next to a door, “This it?”

Her sister confirmed with a nod, and Adora steeled herself before pushing it open. It was a fairly small room, but still contained a large bed, a couple of chairs and a wardrobe. Someone, presumably Mara or her father, had placed a few photographs of the family around the room, although Adora couldn’t see any containing herself. Her mother was sat upright on the bed, glaring at her the moment she came in, “What do you want? Is that you, Mara?”

“No, Mum, it’s… It’s Adora.”

“Adora…” she thought for a moment, “Oh, I have a daughter called Adora! She’s the pretty one – between you and me, my Mara got the brains. The other one’s thick as mince, but at least she’ll make some man a good wife one day.”

Adora clenched her fists. Somehow it made it worse that her mother didn’t know who she was but was still saying these things about her. Not that she’d been the sort who wouldn’t say them to her face – she’d done that many times before. Nevertheless, the fact that Teresa was saying these things to someone she thought was a complete stranger still hurt deeply.

“No, _I’m_ Adora. It’s me.”

“Yes, I know who Adora is. Her father, Robert, he’s the love of my life. We’ve been married 15 years, you know.”

This was going to be harder than Adora had imagined. Trying to follow her mother’s sense of time when it was bouncing around like that made it difficult to hold any sort of conversation, “No, Mum, you’ve been married almost 30 years.”

“Nonsense,” Teresa laughed heartily, the unexpected nature of it rendering it slightly sinister, “I don’t think Andrew would have been too happy if I was married when we met.”

“Isn’t that Mara’s dad?”

“Yes!” she praised, “Such a wonderful man he was. Black as the ace of spades, but one of the good ones. It wasn’t really acceptable back then, but you can’t help who you love.”

Adora’s jaw dropped, “Jesus, you can’t say stuff like that, Mum!”

“Excuse me, young lady. Where do you get off calling me ‘Mum’? I’m not _that_ old!”

“But you are. I’m Adora, I’m your daughter. Don’t you remember…?”

“Adora… Yes. I remember you were always a disappointment to me,” her mother’s sudden flash of clarity was laden with a vitriol that she was not anticipating, “I remember you constantly failing to do what was expected of you, wasting what little talent you had. And I remember your little tantrums.”

As if by instinct, Adora brought her arms into her chest, a mechanism to hide them from view just like she’d had to do countless times in her teenage years. The woman had never once shown any form of compassion when she was going through her toughest times – every spike of depression was a ‘tantrum’, every injury on her body was a ‘stupid outburst’, every day she couldn’t get out of bed was her being ‘a lazy kid’. Every time she had needed help or love, she received nothing, no matter how desperate she was for someone – anyone – to tell her it was going to be alright.

“Wasn’t there anything about me you loved, Mum?” Adora’s forehead felt tense, as though she might cry at any moment, “Please tell me! I had to have been good for something…”

Teresa’s voice changed, sounding fainter and frailer than before. The moment of lucidity seemed to have passed as quickly as it came about, “I… I get muddled these days, Mara. You know I do.”

“Of course you do,” Adora shook her head disdainfully, covering her eyes with a hand. She couldn’t prevent herself from raising her voice, “Of course you couldn’t say _one_ nice thing about me. You don’t remember anything good, because you never saw any good in me!”

“Keep quiet, Mara! They’ll come in and tell you off.”

“I’M NOT MARA! I’M ADORA!”

The door to the room flew open, with Mara running in the moment she heard Adora shouting. She barred an arm across her sister’s torso and spoke quietly to her, “Please, Adora. Don’t take it to heart, she doesn’t know what she’s saying.”

_She knows exactly what she’s saying – it’s the same thing she always said to me because I wasn’t you. The same words that sent me running to my bedroom to hurt myself, thinking that I deserved it for being a failure. Maybe I was a failure… maybe I still am._

“I can’t do this,” Adora pushed past her sister and ran down the corridor, trying to remember the way she had come in so that she could quickly leave.

_I knew this was a horrible idea and I still came to subject myself to this. I guess it’s only the truth though; I needed to hear it to remind myself of who I really am. A fuck-up who has somehow managed to avoid fucking up for long enough to have a job and a family. But I’ll ruin it eventually, won’t I?_

“Adora!” Mara called after her, running to catch up and grab hold of her sister’s arm, “Just come with me, okay? We need to talk.”

Mara led her out through the main entrance and to a bench in a relatively secluded area, enclosed by what would be a rather pretty tree arch later in the year, but was currently a mess of bare sticks. The early spring air was fresh, warmer than it had been recently but with winter’s last vestiges manifesting as a chill in the breeze. Adora sat on the bench, slightly uneasily when her sister did the same right next to her.

“I’m sorry I shouted at her. I just thought maybe I’d have one more chance to hear her say she loved me, or that she was sorry, or that I was good enough as I am,” Adora bent forward with her head in her hands, “She couldn’t do it.”

Her sister shook her head, “If anyone should be sorry, it’s me. Over the last few months, she has said a lot of things she wouldn’t normally – things about you and what she put you through. I had no idea, Adora. I’m sorry.”

“I tried to tell you! And you knew what I was doing to myself – you saw it – but you _still_ took her side!”

Mara pinched her bottom lip, trying to keep her composure, “I should have listened to you. Mum told me you were just acting up for attention and I believed her. You know how she was, she could shut down any conversation at twenty paces, so I just accepted what she said. I only got her side of the story, so I could only trust in everything she told me. I thought you were exaggerating when you said she kicked you out when you told her you were gay, but a couple of weeks ago she just outright said so. I should have believed you.”

“Why couldn’t you have been on my side? I needed you.”

“I know,” she put an arm around Adora, “Dismissing what you said was wrong of me, and I know I’ve done it time and time again for years. I’m sorry, Addy.”

Adora couldn’t help but chuckle at her sister’s use of the nickname she had back when they were kids – it must have been at least twenty years since she was last called that. She responded with her younger self’s name for her sister, “Thanks, Rara.”

The two of them shared a peaceful few minutes, feeling as though they’d reached some form of understanding – maybe even a fresh start. Adora still had a sense of conflict, telling herself that one apology wouldn’t make up for years of taking their mother’s side against her. However, as she sat there silently, resting her head on Mara’s shoulder, part of her felt that maybe she _could_ put the past behind her. There wasn’t much future ahead for her mother, and her father’s absence spoke volumes about his opinion of her, but having her big sister on her side again? It had to be worth trying.

“Can we go back in?” she said quietly, “There’s something I want to show you. Mum too.”

Mara gently pulled away from her, looking into her eyes with the supportive smile Adora hadn’t seen for far too long, “Oh?”

“Come on, I’ll show you inside,” she stood up, the conversation with her sister renewing her motivation, and confidently retraced her steps to her mother’s room. She could feel the woman’s piercing stare as soon as she opened the door, and it instantly knocked the small amount of confidence away from her.

_What am I doing? This is a bad idea, they’re not going to care about my daughter one bit._

“Mum, Mara,” she pulled her phone from her bag and swiped the screen a few times, showing the picture she’d brought up to them both, “This is my daughter, Amber.”

“Wow, Adora! I had no idea, she’s beautiful,” Mara appeared to be genuinely proud, “Look at this, Mum. She has a daughter now.”

“Who does?” Teresa’s tone was almost accusative, and she squinted at her eldest daughter as she demanded an explanation.

“Adora.”

“Adora? I have a daughter called Adora, but I don’t think she should have a child, she…” their mother lowered her voice like she was imparting a secret, “She’s a bit messed up in the head, you know. It’s really sad – she probably won’t make it to 30, you know what I mean?”

The words she spoke were hurtful enough, but her mother miming slashing at her wrists tipped Adora over the edge. She turned and left the room again, ignoring Mara’s pleas. She wasn’t going to be dragged back, not this time. There was a turmoil whirling through her head, but she fought hard to stop it forming into more painful thoughts. She stomped across the car park to Catra’s car – she was borrowing it while hers was being repaired – and started it as quickly as she could. The engine roared as her anger was channelled into her foot stomping on the accelerator; all she could think about was getting as far away from her mother as possible.

Twenty minutes later, and having narrowly avoided being caught by several speed cameras, Adora pulled up outside her house, leaving the car in such a hurry that her bag remained in the passenger footwell. She stormed through the front door, ignoring Catra’s welcome as she ran up the stairs and headed straight for the bathroom, locking herself inside. The dam broke, unleashing the torrent of thoughts that she had somehow held off the entire drive home.

_Everyone thinks I’m a bad mother. EVERYONE. I’ve tried to do my best for Amber, but it was never going to be good enough. “She probably won’t make it to 30” – maybe she’s right. Maybe I shouldn’t. Wouldn’t it be better if I didn’t make it? It’d just be more time for everyone to realise what a bad mother I am._

Her mind was in a negative cycle of repetition that she couldn’t stop. At least not without help. On impulse, Adora wrenched the door of the bathroom cupboard open, pushing aside cotton wool and hair products in her search for a way to calm herself down. She found it in the form of an orange plastic-handled disposable razor, the type Catra bought in bulk to occasionally shave her legs. Adora held it as steadily as she could in her anxious hands, taking a pair of tweezers and began prising out a blade. The plastic snapped, sending fragments flying to the floor along with the small sliver of metal that she had been looking for. Muscle memory took over from here, a ritual practised hundreds of times that even years later felt so familiar. How she held it between her fingers, the way she sat with her legs over the bathtub where she’d learnt a long time ago that any evidence could easily be washed away, and the tingling feeling just below her skin that was as though her body was telling her just how much it needed what was going to happen.

_Catra’s going to take Amber and leave me, what does it matter if I do this or not? I’m already a horrible parent… everyone is saying it. A danger to my own child, not that I’ll have her much longer if-_

“Aaaah,” Adora sharply inhaled. The chaos in her brain dulled immediately as the neurons became overwhelmed by the messages of pain being sent up from her calf. For the first time in days, Adora felt the pleasant calm of a silent mind. Her thoughts now consisted of nothing but the sensation of warmth sliding down her leg; the gentle pat of droplets on the enamel of the bathtub; the sighs of relief as her breathing slowed. She had forgotten how much this helped – from the tentative first contact to the frenzied slashes that followed over the next minute.

“Are you alright in there, Adora?” Catra’s voice outside raised a little anxiety in her, but it was nothing that yet another swift movement of her hand couldn’t deal with, “You didn’t even say hello when you came in.”

“Uh, yeah, yeah… I was just desperate for the toilet.”

“How was it? Seeing your mum, I mean.”

Adora really needed her fiancée to leave her alone right now. Just a few minutes to clean up in peace. Thankfully for her, she was well-versed in the little lies to cover herself, “It was difficult, I guess. Look, can you just let me do this in peace? It’s really weird having a conversation sat on the toilet.”

She heard Catra chuckle slightly, “Sorry. I’ll let you come and talk about it once you’re done. Shall I make a coffee?”

“Thanks, Catra,” Adora waited to hear her footsteps descending the stairs, then unhooked the shower head, cleaning off her leg and chasing the bloody water down the drain once she was certain Catra wouldn’t hear. She used a few squares of toilet paper to dab her legs dry, then put her socks back on, pocketing the broken pieces of razor and checking herself in the mirror before she unlocked the door. This feeling of peace was something she had missed for so long.

 _It’s just a one-off. I’ve had a stressful few days, and I just needed it this one time to calm me down. There’s no need for Catra to know, she’ll just worry unnecessarily. I’m fine now,_ _I’m still in control._

Without showing any reaction to the stinging sensation that made her entire lower leg feel like it was on fire, Adora rounded the door into the living room. She gave her fiancée and daughter a beaming smile, “Right, that’s better. Did you say you were making coffee?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are we all okay? Good, cause it's going to get worse.
> 
> Next time: Adora goes to work, and you get to enjoy the single most heartbreaking scene I think I've ever written


	3. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora's state of mind deteriorates after her visit to her mother, driving her to desperate measures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, real talk. This is not a nice chapter, but it's something a lot of us have experienced - Adora's story here parallels my own. Although subjects like depression and suicide can be shocking, I don't write things like this to be shocking; I write them partly as a cathartic experience for myself, a way to deal with the memories of times i would otherwise put a lot of effort into pushing away, and I also do it to show (at least, in the end) that stuff does get better.
> 
> With that in mind, prepare yourself for Adora to reach rock bottom. As you may expect, this will contain references to/implied self-harm, plus suicidal thoughts and actions. If reading about these could put you at risk, please don't read it. I'll be mad at you if you do. x

**Monday**

“Wake up sleepyhead,” Catra spoke softly, placing a mug of coffee on the table next to her sleeping girlfriend, “You’ll be late for work.”

Adora stirred slightly. Those blissful few moments after waking up were fading fast– the seconds before her brain would remember the weight of everything that’s on her mind. A brief interlude between dreaming and waking where she could feel truly at peace. She knew it wouldn’t be long before it all returned, “I’m not going.”

_“Not going? What are you, lazy? Who cares if you don’t feel well? Hardly anyone is 100% all the time and we just suck it up and deal with it. What makes you so special? You have to go into work so you can earn money. You’ve got a fiancée and a kid now; do you want us to starve? Because we’re going to, all thanks to you, Adora. You don’t even feel any guilt, do you? Are you going to say anything? Adora?”_

“Adora?” Catra’s voice wrenched her back to reality, “What’s wrong? Aren’t you feeling well?”

“Just not up to it.”

Catra gave her a sympathetic look, half-smiling, “OK. I’m gonna take Amber to school. You stay and rest – should I get you anything? Painkillers? Cold stuff? Something to settle your stomach?”

Adora shook her head and turned over, staring at the wall opposite. Her girlfriend hesitantly stroked her shoulder, “Alright, well text me if you change your mind. I’ll be back soon.”

_So I’m just going to stay in bed all day, am I? I am truly useless – what, am I going to just let Catra do everything now? What’s the point of even having a family if I’m just here being a burden to them? Catra would be doing the right thing if she and Amber decided to just abandon me right now. Go out the door and never come back. It’s what I deserve._

“Fuck,” Adora grunted, desperate for the carousel of thoughts in her head to stop, “Just shut up, brain.”

_I know how to make it go quiet. I said the other day was a one-off but who really cares? Everyone thinks I’m a mess so I might as well live up to their expectations. Just once more to try and get this all to go away - maybe I need to do this. One more time. And, hey, there’s always a chance I’ll slip and make everyone happy by dying._

The last part shocked her; had she really got so bad that those types of thoughts were entering her head? Though it was a horrible thing to even conceive of, she couldn’t deny that there was a certain attraction to the idea that it would be a solution to everything that was on her mind. But she couldn’t do that to Catra, could she? Shaking the thought away, Adora opened the drawer next to her, moving a few deliberately-placed hair ties to reveal the blade that she had kept hidden from a few days prior. She took a sip of the coffee her fiancée had made her and emerged from her bed. All she wanted to do was to get back in that bathroom and make everything bearable again.

**Tuesday**

“Adora? Still not feeling well?”

The blonde pulled the blanket over her head, “I don’t want to talk.”

“I’m just worried, that’s all,” Catra sat down on the bed, pulling the cover back down, “Whatever’s wrong is really taking it out of you. You barely left the room all day yesterday.”

Adora groaned, “I just want to sleep.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” she asked it as a question, but her tone was almost begging for Adora to let her in. She hated to see her like this.

“I’m really tired, alright? Haven’t you ever been tired?”

“Bullshit, I’ve never seen you be this ‘tired’. Is everything okay?”

Adora shut her eyes, “I’m just not feeling well, that’s all.”

“If you’re sure. You know you can talk to me about anything.”

“Just leave me alone, please!”

Catra drew breath to speak but thought better of it. She suspected that whatever was wrong with Adora was not something physical, but what could she do if her fiancée didn’t want to talk? Seeing her mother last week must have hit her harder than she was willing to admit. Catra had no idea how to help so she left silently, her concern growing.

_Sure, why not make Catra hate me too. All that’ll do is make her want to leave and take Amber away from me. I might as well go and say goodbye to my daughter now – but I won’t, will I? I’m just going to stay here like the useless waste of space I am. They’d be happier without me getting in the way. Happier if I wasn’t here._

**Wednesday**

“Alright, I’m so sorry I missed our last session – I haven’t been too well this week, but I’m here now,” having felt better enough to return to work in the morning, Adora addressed the dozen students in front of her, “It means we’ve got a bit of catch-up to do, but I think we can manage it. Now, last time, we were looking at the development of attachments, of which there were four phases.”

She turned around, picking up a marker and started writing on the white board. It surprised her how unsteady her hands were, and the letters ended up somewhat shaky. The movements she made were also noticeably slower than usual, but she managed to scribble down what she wanted to teach. It took her a short while to recall the things she needed to say, but once the words were in her mind, she began to speak.

“So in the discriminate attachment phase, we…” Adora nodded to a young woman with her hand in the air, “Yes?”

“You meant the indiscriminate attachment phase, right? You said discriminate but you’re pointing at indiscriminate.”

Adora closed her eyes for a few moments to get her thoughts straight, “Uh, yes, sorry. I meant indiscriminate attachment phase. In that, a child is able to… able to… ah, distinguish between familiar and unfamiliar people but will take comfort from anyone.”

Another student cut in, “Actually, Adora, didn’t you say they’ll start to form preferences at this stage?”

_Did I? I genuinely can’t remember what I’m supposed to be teaching… I’m not even capable of doing my job properly, just like everything else I try._

“I, um, probably…”

“Hey, are you okay, Adora?” one of the young male students in the front row took to his feet, concerned about her sudden vacant demeanour.

“I’m fine,” she mumbled, having to lean on her desk in an attempt to counteract the way her legs were now feeling like they couldn’t support her.

“Are you sure?”

Though the question on its own was not particularly difficult, it became the final straw. The pressure of everything weighing on her finally overwhelmed Adora. She banged her fist on the desk, “I’M FINE! Why is everyone _constantly_ asking me that? Doesn’t anyone just accept what I say any more?! I wish people would just leave me alone, for fuck’s sake!”

Nobody spoke as the students stared on in shock. With a roar of frustration, Adora wrenched her bag from the floor and stomped out of the room. There was no guilt about leaving her class, no regrets for her words – she had had enough of everything. Being a failure of a mother, a useless girlfriend, an incompetent daughter and a bad teacher. It was just too much, and she couldn’t cope with pretending everything was fine.

Adora thundered down the corridor, hoping that she could get away from everyone before the tears she could feel welling up in her eyes started. Thankfully the classroom was on the ground floor, and it didn’t take her long to run to the exit. She continued on, gravel crunching under her feet as she made a beeline for the car park, desperate for the safety of the small red vehicle she had arrived in. She yanked open the door, slamming it shut behind her, and Catra’s car became her bubble away from the world. With the doors locked, there was nothing that could get to her here – except her own thoughts.

_Shit, what did I do that for? Now I’ll just be known as the teacher who had a breakdown in class and ran out. I can’t go back there; I’ll have to change jobs… but they won’t give me a good reference if I just snapped in front of the students. God, I’m going to lose my job and then I’ll have to give up the house and then Catra will leave me. I’m going to be all alone. Why can’t this all just stop? I might as well just drive off a cliff rather than go home. It would make their lives better._

There was a flash of concern that those types of thoughts had become more common for her in the last couple of days. Sure, she idly thought about dying sometimes, but the realisation – and, dare she say, the _will_ \- that she could easily act upon this urge shocked her. She was sat in a car, keys in the ignition and it wouldn’t be far to-

“No!” she scolded herself out loud. This was too far, even if there was a comfort in the idea of knowing everything could stop for her. Adora flopped back in the seat and put her hands over her tearful eyes, debating with herself over whether she should ever make it home again. In the end, it was only the fact she didn’t want to wreck Catra’s car that swung her decision to head back to her family and not find somewhere to crash into at high speed.

It was a little worrying to Catra how quiet and withdrawn Adora was throughout the evening. She tried to be as supportive as she could and give her plenty of options to talk, but with her fiancée not willing to open up, there was only so much she was able to do. For Adora, keeping her thoughts to herself was more about self-preservation; she badly wanted someone to help, but if she admitted to having suicidal thoughts, who knows what would happen to her? Catra would probably call an ambulance and have her taken away and locked up in hospital. And then there would be no chance of ever being able to see Amber again if that happened, making it a far better course of action for her to stay silent until everything passed. She just needed life to calm down for a bit, then she’d be fine again, wouldn’t she?

**Wednesday Night**

Adora stared at the dark ceiling of her room. At such a late hour, there was no sound bar two sets of breathing from her and Catra. She turned her head to the side, the digital clock next to her bed taunting her as it proudly let her know that she had been lying awake for five hours now. Five hours of horrible stress in her mind, five hours of feeling powerless, five hours of wishing she could just stop it all. She was beyond tired, but the noise in her brain refused to let her sleep – it wasn’t even comprehensible thoughts any more, the dozens of worries and fears had amalgamated into a horrible pressure that was consuming her.

_God, I need this to stop._

That single thought gave her a worrying glimmer of clarity. She _could_ stop it – she’d been trying, of course, but injuring herself didn’t seem to have the same effect as it did a couple of days ago. The thoughts flooded back in too quickly. But there was one thing that had floated in and out of her mind over the last two or three days, and it no longer felt as outlandish or repulsive as it had done at first.

_Maybe I should do it. If I’m not here, everyone wins. I won’t have all this shit whirling around in my head, Catra won’t have to worry about me anymore and Amber can grow up without me making her life worse. It’s the right thing to do, it will make things better for them all. I have to do it. I’m going to do it._

There was a renewed sense of purpose as she made her decision. Adora’s mind already felt much quieter as a result, a welcome peace that reassured her she was doing the right thing. She shuffled her legs off the edge of the bed, putting her feet on the floor and sitting upright. Catra slept peacefully next to her, blissfully unaware of what she would be waking up to. Adora knew it would be painful at first, but her fiancée would soon understand why she had to do what she was about to do.

“Goodbye, Catra,” she whispered as she kissed the young woman’s cheek, “I love you.”

_I’m sorry I couldn’t be enough for you._

Feeling a sense of clarity and even hope, both of which had not been present in her mind for a long time, Adora tiptoed out of her bedroom and a short way across the hallway. There was one more person she needed to say something to. She gently pushed the door of Amber’s room open and kneeled next to the bed. The girl was fast asleep, spread diagonally across the mattress – she’d always slept so strangely ever since she was a baby. It had often been a source of great amusement over the years to her and Catra to look in on their daughter and find her at various angles across the bed. Once she’d even fallen off without it even waking her up. They’d both been terrified that Amber had injured herself, landing headfirst on the floor, but she was always a tough little thing – there wasn’t so much as a scratch on her.

“You’re so beautiful,” Adora whispered, stroking her daughter’s hair, “My gorgeous baby girl, you are incredible. And you deserve more than I can give you. I’ve been trying and trying, I promise you I’ve done my best, but it’s still not enough. Mummy just needs everything to stop because it’s not getting better and it’s not fair for you to see me like this.”

She choked up, wiping the tears from her face, “I’m scared, Amber, I’m so scared. I don’t want to leave you, but I can’t see another way out. Mummy’s sad, and it hurts that even seeing how perfect you are can’t fix it. What’s wrong with me that having a wonderful, beautiful, clever and kind daughter doesn’t give me the motivation to get up in the morning? Why can’t I look at you and feel happy anymore? I’m so broken… everyone tells me what a perfect life I have, that I’ve done well for myself, and I can’t see it. Why can’t I see it? Why can’t I just be happy like I’m supposed to?

“I know it will hurt with me not around. I need you to be strong for Mummy Catra, she’s going to be sad too and you’ll have to be the one to look after her,” she gazed up at the poster hung over the youngster’s bed. The titular warrior from her daughter’s favourite show was barely lit from the tiny sliver of moonlight that peeked through the curtains, “Can you be like She-Ra? How does it go… We must be strong, and we must be brave? You’re both of those things. And She-Ra is so tough, just like you, she’s not scared of anything and she looks after her friends. You’ll do that too; you can make things better for everyone – because I just can’t now. I can’t give you the life you deserve and I’m so sorry for letting you down. You’re going to be better than me, I promise; you’re going to be strong and capable, and everyone you meet will love you. Just like I do, don’t ever forget that. This is all for the best, okay?”

Trying hard to keep her composure, Adora returned to her feet and leant forward to kiss Amber’s forehead, “I love you more than you can ever know, baby. Sweet dreams.”

Hand in front of her face, pressing firmly as though trying to push the tears back in, she silently closed the door behind her and descended the stairs, her mind now focused only on one thing. Turning on the kitchen light blinded her momentarily, but her eyes soon adjusted, and she made straight for the cupboard in the far corner. It was crammed full of medical supplies – bandages, throat sweets, antiseptic creams – but she didn’t need any of those, it was the boxes of medications that her hand went for. Different types of painkillers, Catra’s anxiety meds, half a box of the antidepressants she was on almost a decade ago that she had never got rid of; they all came out and got piled up on the kitchen table.

_I hope this is enough. I’d never be able to handle surviving – having to explain myself to everyone, facing my family, going to work and taking Amber to school knowing I shouldn’t be here._ _I can’t stay here, not any more. It has to be now._

Below the cupboard, a variety of drinks sat on the worktop, their bottles too big to fit anywhere else. Behind the cola and lemonade, she reached in to grab a mostly-full bottle of whiskey that they’d been given as a moving in present. Neither of them liked it that much, so it was left in the hope that maybe one day they would have a guest who would appreciate it. They never did find anyone, but at least the gift would find a use now.

Adora sat down at the table, her heart thumping in her chest. She was shaking – it was one thing to plan out what she was about to do, to imagine the scenario in her mind as she had done over and over during the last few days. But to actually be here now, no-one to stop her, was overwhelming. She began with a large gulp of whiskey, straight from the bottle. It was horrible – she had no idea what it should taste like, but this surely wasn’t right – it burned her throat, but soon it wouldn’t matter. A box of painkillers was in her hand – she didn’t even remember taking hold of it – and she pulled out the inner pack, pushing one through the foil. It was a small, white pill; on its own, barely enough to quell a headache, but together with the rest of them, she would finally be able to stop – stop worrying, stop crying, stop failing. With another mouthful of the alcohol, she swallowed it.

_Oh my God, I’m actually doing this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As ever, the good people at imalive.org are always available to chat online if you need to talk at any time. Or phone 116 123 in the UK, 1-800-784-2433 in the US.
> 
> I have cried so much over the scene where Adora talks to Amber in this, I don't think I could ever write anything more heartbreaking. Now, I hate to leave things on a bit of a cliffhanger, but I figured best to post this one and give myself time to finish the next. Given that almost all of this is pretty much the story of my own breakdown in 2015, I'm sure you can probably guess what happens (spoiler: I am not a ghost). 
> 
> Next time: Catra gets one hell of a shock.


	4. Need You Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra's world is shocked when she finds Adora - but what state is she in?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Co-authored by 2015 Alice's suicide note. That was quite the experience reading through my diary from that time - but also made me somewhat proud of how far I've come from that extremely screwed up young woman.
> 
> This continues in much the same vein as the last chapter, being almost entirely about depression, suicide attempts and self-harm. Please make sure you don't put yourself at risk by reading about these things if they will affect you.

“Catra, help me, please!”

“Adora?” Catra ran down a dark corridor, using the sound of her girlfriend’s voice to guide her, “Where are you?”

The desperate cries came again, “Catra, I can’t hold on!”

“I’m coming,” she was in a full panic now. Adora’s voice echoed all around her, making it difficult to pinpoint its source, but Catra felt compelled to keep running forward. She had no concept of the space she was in, nor even the passage of time, but she kept moving until she could see Adora’s hand clinging on to the edge of a cliff over a void.

“Catra, help!”

“I’m here, I’ve got you,” she knelt, reaching out a hand to take hold of the other girl’s arm. Adora tried to grip the edge, but she began to slip. Catra could do nothing to prevent it from happening; Adora met her eyes with a look of betrayal as she fell silently into the abyss below, “ADORA, NO!”

Catra sat upright, the dark, silent room around her slowly returning to her consciousness. Still breathing rapidly, she brought her knees up to support her arms on while she tried to calm herself again. It wasn’t often that she had dreams like this, but they always terrified her, especially when they involved losing Adora. She looked across at her fiancée, to reassure herself that she was fine, but no-one was there. The empty space in the bed only compounded the feeling of dread that stemmed from her dream. While the logical part of her brain told her that nothing she had just experienced was real, Catra still felt compelled to check where Adora was, if only to comfort herself. She wearily stood up and left the room, her drowsy eyes still heavy with sleep. In the darkness of the landing, the glow of a light on downstairs stood out to her – that must be Adora. She moved lightly, not wanting to make any noise that might wake her daughter, and followed the source of the light to the kitchen.

“What are you doing up so late, Adora?” Catra whispered, seeing her girlfriend’s back huddled over the kitchen table. She could feel something wasn’t quite right, and although she couldn’t quantify it, her anxiety began to rise.

“I… I don’t know…” Adora’s voice was a little slurred and felt devoid of any emotion.

“You don’t know? Come back to-” she walked further into the room, startling when she saw what was laid out in front of the young woman, “Jesus Christ, Adora!”

With a sweep of her arm, Catra pushed the tablets away from her girlfriend, a couple of boxes dropping off the other end of the table. She stared at Adora, processing what was happening as she began to panic. She’d suspected something was wrong over the last few days, but Catra had no idea that her girlfriend had reached a point where she wanted to kill herself.

“I… I’m sorry, I didn’t want to… I wasn’t going to…”

“Adora, you _were,_ ” the young woman’s firm tone appeared to startle her. Catra embraced her tightly for reassurance, “It’s alright now, I’m here. You’re safe. How many have you taken?”

“I don’t…” the shock of realising that she had actually gone ahead with it was evident in the blank way she spoke, “I don’t remember… Not many.”

Catra nodded, trying to hold back the sheer terror she was feeling. ‘Not many’ could mean anything from a couple of tablets to a whole box, and could Adora even be sure how much she had taken? “Oh, shit… I’m going to call an ambulance, okay?”

“No, I feel okay. I don’t need one.”

“Yes, you do,” she was insistent, “You could be seriously hurt or something, so they need to check you over. Let’s go into the living room and sit down, and I’ll phone them, okay?”

She lightly pulled her girlfriend to her feet. Adora was reluctant to move – she didn’t want to stop now; she had to keep going, keep taking tablets until the world faded and she was free of everything. Stopping now would mean it all had to carry on. Catra felt this hesitancy and guided the young woman more forcefully, supporting her fiancée’s body as they covered the short distance to the living room. When the blonde had sat down on the sofa, Catra carefully let go of her and made for the phone, watchful eyes fixed on her while she made the call.

“They’re on their way,” Catra sat next to Adora after putting the phone down. She rested her head on the young woman’s shoulder, sighing, “Oh, babe, I knew something was wrong. You’re hurting yourself again, aren’t you?”

“No.”

“Please tell me the truth. I found some blood when I was cleaning the bathroom yesterday.”

She gave the tiniest nod, too tired to commit to the lie any further, “Just the last few days. Nothing… nothing bad.”

“Let me see,” Catra gently ordered. It wasn’t that she had some morbid fascination with seeing her girlfriend’s injuries, but after what she’d just walked in on, she had to make sure that ‘nothing bad’ really was nothing bad, “I promise I won’t be angry.”

Adora lifted her shaking right leg up and rested it on her other knee before pulling up the hem of her pyjama bottoms up, exposing the lower leg. Her calf was a patchwork of wounds – Catra couldn’t help but gasp at seeing the extent of the cuts. When she had first met Adora, she was trying her best to beat the self-harm, so there were very few fresh injuries, and those that were there were already fading to scars. What she was looking at now was a disturbing contrast.

“And the other one?” Catra instructed, a feeling of compassionate sadness growing inside her that she was having to do this, admonishing Adora like she was a young child hiding a chocolate bar it wasn’t allowed. Her fiancée obliged, revealing similar injuries on the other leg, “Arms too, please.”

It was an odd sort of relief that came from seeing that Adora’s arms were untouched – or indeed that none of her injuries were particularly deep – but it still troubled her deeply that the woman she loved was doing this to herself. Catra felt powerless; she was supposed to look after her girlfriend, and it felt as though she had failed tonight. All she could think to do was bring Adora into a tight embrace, to try and tell her that she was finally safe, even though she still wasn’t entirely sure that was the case.

“Why, Adora?” she whispered, the desperation of the whole situation bringing up a few tears, “Why did it get this bad?”

“I just needed everything to stop. It was too much for me,” Adora’s voice was impassive, detached from everything that had happened, “My life is a mess and I can’t fix it anymore.”

“Is it something I’ve done? Have I not helped you enough? Was it your Mum, or that woman?”

She shook her head, “It’s not any one thing. I’ve just had so much going on in my head that it’s turned into a kind of grey mist of feelings. I don’t even know now if these are real thoughts I’m having or if I’m pretending – just telling myself I should be having these thoughts when I don’t really believe them – but I can’t be free of it.”

“Oh babe,” Catra squeezed her eyes shut as the tears began to sting. Her girlfriend’s confused explanation barely made sense to her, but it demonstrated a mind in turmoil, “Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“Because I knew you would stop me.”

“Of course I’d stop you! Adora, I love you so much; if you die, I don’t… What would I do without you?”

Adora pulled away from the hug, “You’d be happy. You and Amber wouldn’t have to worry about me ever again. Maybe you’d find someone else – someone you truly deserve.”

“I don’t want anyone else!” she couldn’t stop her voice from increasing in volume. Only after the words came out did Catra remember the late hour, and she hushed herself as she continued, “I love _you_ , Adora. Nobody else is as incredible as you are; no-one else makes me as happy as you do. You know what I had to overcome… if I didn’t have you I would probably still be an addict selling herself on the streets – if I was still alive at all. I got out of that life, but I couldn’t have done it without your help. Now please let me help _you_.”

“If you want to help me, just go back to bed and leave me alone to finish the job.”

Her words were like a punch to Catra’s gut. Hearing her girlfriend almost begging to be left to die was something she never wanted to experience, “And what, Adora? You keep downing pills and let your six-year-old daughter find you dead in the morning? Then she comes screaming in terror because Mummy Adora won’t wake up. What do I say to her? How do I even explain to her that you killed yourself? Tell me, Adora, because I don’t know!”

“I don’t care anymore.”

Catra exhaled sharply. She just wanted Adora to break out of her emotionless state – to show some anger, some sadness, _anything._ Anything that would give her a tiny speck of hope that she hadn’t fully given up. Something that would let her know Adora still had some fight in her. But there was nothing – no spark in her eyes, no energy, no will to even act like her normal self – and that was terrifying. A huge part of Catra wanted to shout and rant, to shake Adora until she came to her senses; but she knew it wouldn’t have any effect. She barely recognised the emotionless young woman sat there next to her.

Flickering blue lights began to bounce off the walls, and these were shortly followed by the sound of an engine pulling up outside. A feeling of relief crept through Catra to know that she no longer had to deal with this alone, swiftly followed by one of anxiety at the thought of leaving Adora alone even for the thirty seconds it would take to open the door. She rose to her feet, keeping her eyes on her fiancée as long as she possibly could until a wall obscured her view and she ran to the door to open it. Outside, two paramedics were coming up the path – a younger, dark-haired woman and an older bald man.

“She’s through here,” Catra led them into the living room where Adora sat, completely unreactive to the visitors. She just continued staring at the wall in front of her, unable to focus on anything else.

The older one put the bag he was carrying down next to the young woman, “Hello Adora. I’m Steve, this is my colleague Emily. How do you feel?”

“I’m fine,” she mumbled, slightly disappointed that the only thing that seemed to have happened was a bit of light-headedness from the alcohol. She prayed that she would be able to pick up where she left off when everyone had left.

“Mummy? What’s happening?” a bleary-eyed Amber appeared in the doorway. Catra almost jumped at the girl, shepherding her away from the living room towards the bottom of the stairs. She couldn’t let her daughter see Adora like this, not even momentarily.

“It’s alright, darling. Mummy Adora’s not very well, the ambulance people are just making her better. Go back to bed, I’ll come up in five minutes and check on you.”

“Okay,” the distant, disconnected way she spoke told Catra she wasn’t fully awake, and thankfully not really taking in what was happening, “Love you.”

“Love you too, baby.”

Once she was sure Amber was back in bed, Catra returned to the living room where the paramedics had already begun to assess Adora.

“Your girlfriend says you told her you’ve had alcohol and taken some tablets tonight?”

Adora nodded reticently. Although she wanted to be left alone, she didn't have herself together enough to be untruthful, and they probably wouldn't believe her if she denied it.

“Can you tell me exactly what you’ve had?”

“Four, maybe five paracetamol? And I think half a bottle of whiskey. I'm sure it was off, it wasn't very nice.”

He chuckled, “I can’t imagine it would be, no. Well the good news is that five tablets wouldn’t be enough to cause any damage, but we’re going to check your vitals to be sure.”

 _Not enough to cause any damage._ Adora’s heart sank as she heard those words. Why had she hesitated so much? If only she had been braver and taken the tablets faster rather than being so scared that each time it took several minutes to work up the courage to take the next one. If she had cast away that apprehensiveness, she could have taken dozens before Catra had found her, she could have done some proper damage to herself and finally put all this to a stop. Right now, she should be phasing in and out of her last experience of consciousness, but instead it was just one more thing she had failed at.

With the alcohol racing around her system and into her brain, Adora’s alertness wavered as the paramedics did their checks – taking her blood pressure and pulse rate, her temperature and asking a few basic questions. She felt dazed, aware that her failure at killing herself made her want to burst into tears of disappointment yet at the same time, she was completely unable to. It was like there was a disconnect between her body and her thoughts that only grew as the medics finished what they were doing. Satisfied that Adora hadn’t done any major damage to herself and, now that Catra was with her, she wouldn’t try again, they departed, leaving behind a piece of paper detailing their visit.

“At least we know you’re going to be okay,” Catra bit her lip, not knowing how her optimism would be received, “We can get some proper help in the morning.”

“Whatever,” slurred Adora, her speech a reminder of her drunken state, "I don't want help."

“I know you feel like it’s not worth it, but things will look better after you’ve slept.”

“I doubt it,” her eyes began to close with tiredness. She laid back on Catra, who put her arm around her waist and kissed her sleepy girlfriend's forehead.

“You’ll just have to trust me. I’ve got you. We can fix this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, the people at imalive.org are always available to chat online if you need to talk at any time. Or phone 116 123 in the UK, 1-800-784-2433 in the US.
> 
> In the next chapter: Adora continues to struggle and Catra turns to a friend to help break through to her. It will get better!


	5. Life Goes On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra struggles with worry over Adora's state of mind and enlists Glimmer's help to get through to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there have been several "GLIMMER NO" moments in this series, so it's about time for a "GLIMMER YES" moment!
> 
> Things are still quite raw for everyone here, and accordingly that means references to suicide and self-harm.

“Morning, Adora,” Catra’s whisper next to her ear was one of the gentler ways she could have woken up. Even before she opened her eyes, she could sense the light of the morning sun swamping the living room where she had fallen asleep only three hours earlier.

Adora’s head throbbed with the whiskey-induced hangover as she squinted up at the young woman standing over her, “Catra?”

“How do you feel?”

She had no answer to the question. She didn’t even know how she _should_ be feeling. The only thought persisting in her fragile mind was that she shouldn’t be here – instead of sitting and talking to her fiancée, she should be slumped, dead, over the kitchen table. She should be free from all of this, yet she was now taunted by the brightness of the new morning; a morning that she never intended to see.

Catra continued on, talking breezily as though nothing were wrong. Her cheerfulness was born from necessity – it was either this or break down in tears, “I’ve got you an emergency appointment with the doctor. So we’re going to take Amber to school, then go straight there.”

“No… I can’t face school. Just pick me up on the way home.”

“I’m not leaving you alone. What if you…” it took a lot for Catra to keep her composure at the thought of what could happen if she wasn’t watching Adora. She knew she needed to be strong enough for them both, and breaking down right now would help neither of them, “You can’t be alone. Look, you don’t have to get out of the car, but you _are_ coming. Now get dressed.”

The order was given in a tone of voice that Adora knew she wouldn’t be able to protest. And it wasn’t as though she had plans that would be interrupted – she was lost in a world that held nothing for her anymore. Reluctantly, she trudged upstairs to put some clothes on. She just picked up the same stuff she had worn the previous day from the floor, in lieu of actually investing any effort in to the way she looked, but it would do for now. Fresh, clean clothes were for people who cared about what happened to themselves.

The front door was open when Adora came back down, with Amber already halfway down the path. Catra attempted to say a few encouraging, reassuring things to her fiancée but they fell on deaf ears and the two walked to the car without exchanging any further words. Although Amber was doing her best to get her excited about the day ahead with an enthusiastic run-down of everything she was going to do at school, Adora remained almost silent throughout the journey. She was struck by the way that the world around her was continuing like nothing had happened. Though she knew that for the people she saw nothing _had_ happened, there was nonetheless a slight feeling of resentment towards them. While they rushed about, taking kids to school, going to work, going to appointments – all the mundane things people did on a daily basis – they all seemed happy enough to carry on living. So why couldn’t she? Why was she the only person who failed at life?

After dropping Amber at school, during which Adora hid herself away in the car, sliding down in the seat in the hope that nobody would see her and try and strike up conversation, Catra drove the two of them to their doctor’s surgery. To Adora’s relief, the waiting room was quiet, and they didn’t have long to wait before her name was called and the couple traversed the short corridor to the office. Their doctor had always proven to be a knowledgeable, supportive type. He’d been there to reassure them over every minor ailment Amber had picked up that had panicked them, as well as helping Catra when she’d had her own difficulties with anxiety, and both young women trusted his advice.

“Well, Adora. What are we to do with you?” he began, using his joviality to lessen the tension in the small room, “I’ve been reading the notes from last night. Not the best idea, was it?”

Adora shrugged. To her it seemed like a perfectly good idea, but she knew neither the doctor nor Catra would want to hear her say anything like that.

“How long have you been feeling like that?”

“I guess a few days,” she said, deadpan, “But it’s been a long time coming. Felt stressed for months.”

It hit Catra hard to know that her girlfriend had been feeling like that for so long. How had she not noticed Adora going downhill? Maybe she’d been too wrapped up in her own world – the launch of the club had taken her away from her fiancée more often, and then there was the guilt over what happened with Glimmer. All of this must have distracted her so much that she never saw Adora’s mental health starting to deteriorate, and it felt like she had failed her. If only she’d paid more attention, she could have stepped in to help before her girlfriend had reached the point of wanting to kill herself.

“You really shouldn’t have ignored it,” the doctor gently chided her, but it was friendly advice rather than a reprimand, “With your history, you know how bad it can get when you don’t ask for help. Do you feel like you want to do something like that to yourself again?”

Catra felt her reluctance to answer and gave her fiancée a light squeeze on her arm, “It’s okay Adora, just be honest.”

“Yeah,” she nodded, “I don’t want to be here.”

“Adora…”

The doctor nodded in understanding, “I think we’d all rather you _were_. OK, what I’m going to do for you now is sign you off work for four weeks so you can get yourself back on track. We’ll also start you back up on some antidepressants – I can see you have had these several years ago, so we’ll try them again – and I will refer you on to the mental health team so they can support you. Does that sound okay?”

It sounded overwhelming to her. Taking time off work, going to appointments, taking medication – this wasn’t what she had planned, and it was like even these small things were too much for her brain to comprehend. Even just thinking about the end of those four weeks made her body shake, unable to grasp the concept of being alive at that time.

With no answer coming from Adora, her fiancée took over, “That sounds fine, thank you.”

“And Adora,” he smiled as they stood up, “It’ll get better.”

* * *

“Alright, you go and sit down, I’ll make you a coffee,” Catra helped a still-detached Adora through their front door, “You can take your first tablet with it.”

“No.”

“What do you mean, ‘no’?”

Adora fell back against the wall, dropping to the floor of the hallway. She was both physically and mentally tired from the lack of sleep and everything she’d been through over the last 18 hours, “I’m not taking them.”

“They’ll help you get better,” Catra sat next to her, an unspoken way of letting her girlfriend know she wasn’t alone, “Besides, didn’t he say you’d had these before? You know they work.”

“I don’t _want_ to get better. I just want to not have to deal with anything ever again.”

The younger woman took hold of her hand, “I know, Adora. But you’re unwell, that’s all; these pills will help.”

“No they won’t,” Adora dismissed, “They’ll turn me into an emotionless zombie.”

“Oh, because you’re full of emotion right now?” Catra knew she’d made an error when she heard the indignant sound of her voice, “Sorry, Adora, I didn’t mean to... ugh, sorry, I’d… I’d best go and get ready; Glimmer will be here soon to look after you while I go to work.”

“I don’t need babysitting.”

Catra didn’t have the energy to argue. She knew it wouldn’t do much good anyway – Adora was in such a state of shock that she wouldn’t have taken anything in. All she could do was hope that her fiancée’s numbness was a temporary condition, and that when it wore off, Adora would see things from a different viewpoint. One where she could comprehend the idea of a future for herself.

It only took Catra five minutes to prepare for work, her worry about leaving Adora alone hurried her more than anything else could. As she descended the stairs, the doorbell rang – Glimmer was right on time as ever. She gave Catra a lamenting half-smile when the door opened.

“Thanks for coming, Glim.”

“How is she?”

Catra shook her head as she buried it in her hands. She spoke in a hushed tone, trying to protect Adora from seeing or hearing the toll the situation was taking on her, “I’ve never seen her like this. I am so fucking scared right now, Glimmer… I’ve locked every pill and every sharp object I could find in my car and I’m still worried that she’ll find a way. Last night, after I found her, I couldn’t sleep because I was terrified that if I wasn’t watching, she would wake up and try again. God, I just wish I knew how to help her, but everything I try fails. I can’t even get her to take the meds she needs to recover! She’s not right, Glim – what if she never gets better?”

“Hey,” Glimmer was initially hesitant to embrace the young woman given their current icy relationship but reasoned that this was more important than whatever mistakes they’d made in the past. She brought Catra closer, letting her cry quietly into her shoulder, “She will get better, it’ll just take a bit of time. You’re doing your best, OK?”

Catra nodded, pulling away as she gathered herself together, “I don’t know if I am. I’m lost, Glimmer.”

“Give her time.”

“I’m trying,” she sighed, “Right, I don’t want to leave her, but I have to go now. Please, promise me you won’t let anything happen to her.”

“Of course, I will not let her out of my sight.”

“And call me if you need anything at all.”

“Got it,” she stood aside to let Catra leave, “She’ll be OK, Catra.”

Shutting the door behind her, Glimmer entered the living room, a brightly coloured paper bag in one hand, which she set down on the coffee table as she sat next to Adora. The young woman remained unmoving, sat forward on the sofa, eyes to the floor.

“I, uh, I made you a crisis toolkit thing,” she addressed the troubled young woman with a tentative smile that hid the nervousness she was feeling, “I probably put in loads of stuff you’ll never need, but it’s got some colouring books in so you can take your mind off things. There’s a puzzle book and I put in a highlighter pen so you can draw on yourself instead of… well, you know. Do you want to have a look inside?”

Adora stayed motionless and silent, so Glimmer tried a different way to open the conversation, enveloping the blonde girl in a hug, “Oh, Adora, I’m so glad you’re not dead!”

“Makes one of us.”

She had not expected Adora to be quite so despondent. It angered her that her best friend was so down on herself and she momentarily lost her composure, “Would you snap out of it?! How could you have been so stupid?! I bet you didn’t even think about anyone else? Why would you do something so goddamn selfish?!”

Adora looked up, surprised at how different Glimmer’s confrontational approach to her was compared to Catra’s reactions, “Why? Because everyone keeps telling me I have the perfect life and I can’t understand why. I’m supposed to be this amazing mother, the girlfriend that Catra deserves and a teacher who teaches some really clever students, but I’ve fucked everything up. I’m just causing more problems. I’ve failed everyone – I’m not the person they all deserve, and I just can’t face it any longer.”

“Oh, Adora… It’s not about ‘being the person we deserve’. We love you, and we will love you whether you singlehandedly save the world or spend all day in bed. Being alive is all we need from you, you don’t have to constantly prove your worth. Catra, me, Bow, Amber… we need you here with us. Whatever is wrong, we can help.”

Adora scoffed, “You can’t. I’m supposed to be this strong person and I’m not. Catra and Amber, their entire lives depend on me being able to work and earn money. If I can’t do that, what use am I? I’m an awful mother to Amber, and Catra needs someone better too.”

“That’s nonsense, Adora! Look, I’ve been where you are – when I was in rehab, I spent nights lying awake thinking about ending my own life; that it would be easier just to give up – but I kept going. I won’t lie to you, it was hard, and I still have days when I feel like giving up, but every ounce of effort was worth it. I thought I had ruined everything too, destroyed any hope of joy, but look at me now. I’m happy again. I never thought I could be, but I am. It _will_ get better, I promise you.

“I know your brain is telling you that the world is better off without you, but it’s lying. These feelings you’re having, they might make it seem like it’s a desperate situation that you can never fix, but that’s not the case. It’s not going to be like this forever. You probably feel like your life is a hopeless mess, and that killing yourself is the only way you can deal with it. I’m telling you it’s not… that’s like cutting a small piece of thread with a huge carving knife – it’s too much. I know you have problems that you want to get rid of, but you can deal with them in much better ways. Ways that involve you staying around because you have so many people who love you, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

“I’m not just talking about me and Bow, or Catra. There are so many people walking around on this planet whose lives would be affected if you died. Scorpia and Entrapta, every single student you teach at college, Mermista, Seahawk and Finn, Amber’s teacher at school. Even, I dunno, your hairdresser, that one cashier you always see at the supermarket, the guy at that café who always flirts with you and after three years _still_ hasn’t realised you’re gay. The amount of people your existence touches – the number of people whose lives you enrich – is bigger than you can ever imagine. This world is so much better with you in it.

“I know it seems like everything is pointless – I get that. I’ve felt the same, so don’t think I can’t understand what you’re going through. I probably know more than most people what it’s like to feel that despair, so please trust me when I say there is always hope. Whatever needs fixing, you’ve got people who are willing to help you fix it. Whatever you need help to face, you won’t have to do it alone. You have friends who want to see the happy young woman we know and love return and who will do everything possible to help that happen. And yes, the future could be a pile of shit, but it could also be amazing – it could bring you joy like you’ve never known. But if you kill yourself, you’ll never find out. And I want you to find out, so stay. For me, if not for yourself. Please stay.”

Glimmer’s impassioned plea began to break through the shock Adora was feeling. Tears began welling in her eyes and, for the first time since she’d taken those pills, she began to cry. It started as a calm weeping, but she could feel a pressure building inside. Her chest tightened, the muscles in her face went taut and she felt hot – then the dam burst, and she cried until she could no longer. Her sobs were ones of sadness, of frustration, of despair - but there were also tears of appreciation, of love, of realising there is a tiny sliver of hope.

“I’m sorry, Glimmer…”

“You’ve got nothing to apologise for.”

“It’s all too much, though. Even if I wanted to get back to normal, I don’t think I could now. It’s too difficult – I’ve made so many mistakes.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m here for you,” she took hold of Adora’s hand and placed it on her stomach, “ _We’re_ here for you.”

“Thanks, you and Bow are… I don’t know what the right word is.”

Glimmer laughed to herself, “I know what you mean. The three of us will be right here for you.”

“Three of us?” she sniffled. Her friend drew her attention to where their hands were and gave Adora a moment to figure it out, “Wait, you’re…?”

“Bow and I only found out a couple of days ago. It’s really early so don’t tell anyone, but yeah… I’m having a baby!”

Adora wasn’t sure what to do with the spark of happiness for her friend that had mixed in with the pool of emotion that she was submerged in. She gave a tearful laugh, “If my brain would let me be happy, I would be.”

“I know,” Glimmer kissed the top of her head, “But it does mean you’ll need to stick around to meet the kid. Reckon you can do it?”

Overwhelmed by the thought of surviving, Adora found herself crying once more, “You know I can’t promise anything. I can’t even be sure I’ll be here next week, let alone next year – just the thought of being alive that long is a painful one.”

“If you try, I promise you it will get better. Will you try?”

Adora nodded and shuffled herself closer to Glimmer, who responded by putting an arm around her, “Okay, I’ll try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was halfway through Glimmer's big speech when I realised that what I was actually doing was writing a letter to myself (and, by extension, anyone who has ever felt like giving up on life). This made me cry more than anything else in this entire series. It really does get better if you hold on!
> 
> Next time: Adora goes to therapy, yay!
> 
> You can also find me:  
> @alice_hancock1 on twitter  
> Lisshstuff on tumblr


	6. Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an argument with Catra, Adora talks to her therapist - and makes a new friend in the waiting room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knew my therapy folder would be good for something (joking, it's been super useful for me). We won't go to therapy with Adora all the time, but we might check in now and again.
> 
> Oh, and this chapter contains self-harm and suicide references and threats thereof (Oh, Adora...)

“I need something, Catra,” Adora swept into the living room, her mind racing, not even conscious that she had her right hand gripped tightly on the opposite arm, digging into the skin.

Her fiancée didn’t look up from the book she was reading, “Hm? What can I get you?”

“I don’t care, anything,” she snapped, which was Catra’s first indication that something was amiss, “Just do it NOW!”

“Hey, hey,” she immediately got to her feet and rushed across to put her arm around her fiancée to comfort her, “What’s wrong? You’ve been doing so well these last couple of days. But we’ll get you through this, okay?”

Adora roughly brushed her off, “No! I don’t want to ‘get through this’, I just want a knife or something.”

“Babe, I’m not giving you anything you’ll hurt yourself with.”

“Well what are you fucking here for then?” she roared, screwing her eyes up as she felt the warmth of the tears that approached. She didn't feel in control any more, and it manifested in the vitriolic words she was yelling, “You’re supposed to be my fucking fiancée – you’re useless!”

Catra took a moment to breathe – she knew that Adora’s outburst was the result of something she couldn’t easily control at the moment, but what she was saying still hurt, “What’s happened? Why are you feeling like this?”

“It doesn’t matter!” her shouts mixed with her crying and she let her head fall forward onto Catra's chest, “But I need to cut _somewhere_ , please…”

“Babe, you don’t. You can beat this.”

Adora dropped to her knees, still sobbing hard, “I can’t, Catra. Please, please just let me do it. I’m begging you, please.”

“I’m sorry, Adora,” she gave her girlfriend a caring smile and outstretched a hand to help her back to her feet. Even if she couldn't fix what Adora was feeling, she could at least show that she wasn't alone, “Come on, I’ll look after you.”

The distraught young woman slapped her hand away, “NO! You know what I want so just give it to me!”

“It’s not going to happen, so just GET OVER IT!” Catra regretted her anger instantly, but she couldn't help it. Even though she knew it was Adora’s mental illness speaking, and she was furious with the situation more than the person, that didn’t stop her from feeling slighted.

“FINE! I’ll just go find some way to kill myself then and it’ll be your fault.”

“Adora, no...” she wasn’t entirely sure whether it was just the desperation or whether her girlfriend really would follow through on her words.

“YES!” Adora grabbed onto her fiancée’s leg, her nails unintentionally digging in deep, and she doubled down on the threat, snarling as she spoke, “Give me something or I’ll do it.”

“OK, you know what, Adora? I can’t deal with you when you’re like this,” Catra huffed and walked away into the kitchen. It was incredibly difficult leaving Adora there, screaming and crying like that, but she didn’t want to completely lose her temper and make it worse. She knew her fiancée would calm down given time but trying to reason with her would only have escalated things – even her best had only made things worse.

It took all of Catra’s resolve to stay put while her girlfriend shouted, cried and pleaded with her, but eventually Adora became much less agitated. Once sure that she wouldn’t be screamed at, Catra re-entered the living room, where her fiancée’s doleful, tear-stained face stared at her, “What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?”

* * *

“So what was the main factor behind the way you acted yesterday?”

There was only ever going to be one main topic at Adora’s latest therapy session. She’d had what was a relatively good week, given that she was still extremely depressed, but her outburst the day before her appointment had made her feel like it was all for nothing. Although she and Catra had made up since, both were reluctant to discuss what had happened, so the situation was a burning issue in Adora’s head, and she couldn’t wait to lay it out for her therapist.

It had been four weeks since she had tried to kill herself, and so much had happened in that time. She’d seen several doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and more. Catra had been vital in helping fight her case; in the days immediately following Adora’s breakdown, she had made countless pleading phone calls to different parts of the local mental health service, refusing to give up until someone agreed to see her. And although it was heart-breaking to hear, her persistence finally allowed Adora to be considered ‘high-risk’, something which meant that she would be given an appointment much sooner. On the day of her initial assessment, Adora’s anxiety was through the roof. She was terrified that she’d be hospitalised and taken away from Catra and Amber without any say in the matter, but the psychiatrist who saw her helped put her mind at rest with her calming manner. That meeting was hard on both of them – Adora poured her heart out about her suicidal thoughts and urges to hurt herself, as well as her psychiatric history, having to recount several incidents in her past that she would rather have forgotten.

After that first trip to Alwyn’s mental health unit, there were three more appointments before she was referred on for a longer and more focused course of therapy, thanks, again, in no small part to Catra’s tireless fighting to get her girlfriend the help she needed. A week to the day after her suicide attempt, Adora attended the first appointment of what would be a year of intensive therapy. Again, she worried that it would be too difficult or that she would hate the psychologist, but when she met Mark, a forty-something man with a peaceful demeanour and the kindest smile, she was put at ease. The two clicked immediately, and she began to feel comfortable opening up to him, which in turn helped her tackle the more difficult aspects of her situation.

Now into her third weekly session, Adora sat back in her chair in the small office. It was a warm April afternoon, and the sun through the window bathed everything in a charming orange glow that was strangely calming to her, “You know I told you about that woman at school who shouted stuff at me and Amber?”

Mark took a moment to recall the tale she’d told him two weeks prior, “Ah yes, the homophobic abuse. That was a horrible thing to have experienced.”

“Yeah,” she looked down at the floor for a moment as she gathered the words together to explain, “I didn’t know, or I forgot because I was busy trying to kill myself or whatever, but Catra reported it to the police. I found out yesterday that she got convicted and fined, and I started feeling really guilty about it. Like… because of me she’s got a criminal record – and her kid, some innocent child, now loses out because her mother has to pay a fine. And it’s my fault.”

Her therapist had anticipated that last sentence and had already got to his feet as she spoke it. There was almost an eagerness in his expression as picked up a marker and drew out a grid on the whiteboard that covered a wall in the small office, “OK, let’s go deep on this one. So, we’ve got your emotion as guilt, and that was caused by hearing that this woman had been fined. What did that guilt make you do?”

“It gave me a massive urge to self-harm – the biggest urge I’ve had for a week or so. I guess I felt like I’d done something bad so I should be punished? And I got really frustrated that I couldn’t, so I started shouting at Catra, begging her to just let me have a knife or something. Then I threatened to kill myself when she wouldn’t give me anything. I know now I shouldn’t have reacted like that, but I wasn’t really in control.”

“And what do you think that communicated to Catra?”

Adora shuffled uneasily in her seat, “I don’t know, really. It probably said, ‘I’m a complete mess whose death would be best for everyone’. But I’m guessing that’s not what you want to hear, so… maybe she thought I was angry with her?”

“That’s good,” Mark wrote the words down on the board, then turned back to her, “Now what do you think the effect on her was when you reacted like that?”

“Bad. Really bad. She must have felt awful seeing me in that way, and I don’t think she wanted to shout at me like she did. I never actually told her _why_ I was feeling that way either, so it probably worried the hell out of her.”

The therapist nodded, “That’s a good insight, well done. Now what would you say that your emotion communicated to _you_? You can look in your folder if you need.”

“Yeah, I think I _will_ need,” Adora opened up the binder that had been sat on her lap. In the first session she’d been given a small stack of paper about how to identify and describe emotions and it had been invaluable to her as she tried navigating into this new world of analysing herself and her actions, “So I know I felt guilty and that usually comes from, let me find it…. It comes from ‘when your behaviour violates your own values’. So I think I was telling myself that I’d done something which violated my values? I’m not actually sure what I did, but maybe…”

“Go on…”

“I felt guilty about the way I reacted back at the school, and hearing about her conviction just brought it back. I put Amber in danger because I panicked, and I hate myself for it.”

“Okay, let’s look at that,” Mark sat back down in the chair opposite, “Shall we check the facts on what happened? Take moment to think, then tell me what happened – but only facts, not interpretations.”

Adora began slowly, “I don’t really remember that well… But I know she came over to me in the playground and I felt nervous. Then she said some horrible stuff to me, and I ran away. I pretty much shoved Amber out of the school.”

“Is that what other people would have seen you doing, ‘shoving’ her?”

“Well no, I guess…” she clenched her fists. Getting her brain to see these situations more rationally wasn’t the easiest task, “It was more hurrying her along. And I kept going until she was in the car, then I locked us both inside. Then, you know what happened after that – I fucked up and pulled out into another car. That’s what I felt most guilty about. Well, until yesterday, now I feel really awful about what I said to Catra.”

“Do you think that guilt is justified?”

Adora leafed through the paperwork in her folder, “I mean, looking at this… yeah. It’s totally justified. But what can I do? I can’t go back in time and _not_ do any of that stuff.”

“No, you can’t undo what is done,” the therapist leaned forward in the way that told Adora she was going to have to be the one to answer the question, “But what could you do?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged.

“Yes, you do. Check your folder.”

Becoming a little flustered, Adora started leafing through the pages in front of her. For some reason she couldn’t quite understand, having to answer questions like this overwhelmed her. It wasn’t that they were particularly difficult, but there was something about recovery that got too much. It felt like this huge, impossible task that her mind fought against at every opportunity. Taking the time to analyse situations and react appropriately was hard – it was much easier to let her brain do what it wanted and deal with the consequences later. There was also a lot of pressure – Catra, Amber, Glimmer, Bow, Mara… they all wanted her to get well and be her old self, and Adora wasn’t sure if she could live up to their expectations. She wasn’t even sure if she _wanted_ to get better.

When she found the appropriate page, she read out the answer Mark was looking for, “I need to apologise and make repairs.”

“That’s correct,” he smiled, “So let’s make that happen - when will you do that?”

“Maybe this afternoon? Catra and Amber are out on a day trip with my sister, but they’re going to pick me up on their way home.”

“Excellent idea. And you can let me know when you’ve done it.”

The rest of their session passed by quickly, mostly going over Adora’s mood diary that she’d been tasked with keeping each day. It helped her to keep track of her progress, as well as showing her therapist the week she had been dealing with and her urges. Once her hour was over, Adora returned to the waiting room, ready to be picked up by Catra. The small area set aside for the purpose was usually a quiet environment, and today there was only one other person in the room – a lady with long, dark hair who had one of those faces that could have been anywhere between 20 and 60 years of age. The way the woman’s eyes darted around the room and the presumably involuntary tapping of her feet gave her a very anxious, restless demeanour that was quite distracting to Adora. She tried looking away, fearing she would spark some form of unwanted communication, but the binder she had on her lap betrayed her and broke the ice.

“Cute. Is she yours?”

Adora looked across at the woman, a little nervous, “Huh?”

“Sorry, couldn’t help but see the picture on your folder there. What an adorable child – is she your daughter?”

“Yeah,” she coyly held the folder up to give the woman a better look at the photo of her family that she had printed out and stuck to the front. It was her way to remind herself why she was here, and who she was trying to get better for, “She’s called Amber. And that’s my fiancée Catra.”

“Catra?” the lady seemed to be surprised by the name, “Catra. Catra. You don’t see many Catras about, do you?”

A few signs of a smile came across Adora’s face. Her fiancée really was unique, “I’ve never met another one.”

“No,” the woman said breathily, lost in thought, before she jolted herself back to the conversation, “Sorry, I haven’t introducted my…uh, ‘introducted’ isn’t a word, is it? Hi, I’m Lauren.”

“Adora.”

Lauren darted across to the seat next to Adora and extended a hand to which the young blonde apprehensively gave a loose shake, “So what’re you in for? Therapy, I mean. You are here for therapy, right?”

“I, uh, I had a breakdown a month ago,” she still felt awkward talking about it, not least due to the fact that she was using the past tense for something that, at least to her, was still going on. Her mind was no longer solely focused on ending her own life, but she still felt very little hope for the future, “I’ve been seeing Mark for a few weeks now. You know him?”

“I’ve seen him around. He usually deals with the newbies,” the older woman nodded sagely, as though she were an expert in the comings and goings of the office, “As for me, I’m just nuts. I come every couple of weeks just so they know I haven’t killed anyone.”

Adora’s eyes flared in surprise, “You...?”

“Oh Adora. Adora? Yes,” Lauren laughed heartily, “I’m joking! Mind you, that’s what most people assume when I tell them I’m schizophrenic. It’s honestly nowhere near as exciting as the movies make it out to be – mostly just paranoia and a couple of voices in my head that talk utter rubbish. Still, the meds make it bearable, don’t you find?”

“I mean, I guess?”

“What are you on? Is it right to ask that? I don’t really understand these things, you know how it is, Adora.”

A buzzer sounding saved Adora from any further awkward conversations with the over-enthusiastic stranger, as Catra and Amber were let into the unit and came into view through the entrance door.

“Mummy!” her daughter sprinted over and wrapped her in the biggest hug she could manage, “I know you’re sad but I will give you cuddles to help.”

“Uh, thank you?”

“It’s a long story,” Catra noticed the look of mild confusion on Adora’s face, “I’ll tell you at home. You can let go of her now, Amber.”

Adora took hold of her fiancée’s hand, “Look, before we go, I’m really sorry about yesterday. I behaved awfully and it wasn’t fair on either of us.”

“It’s fine, it’s in the past. I’m just glad you’re feeling better.”

“No, Catra, please. It’s important I say this – I was feeling bad because of what you told me about that woman getting fined. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, and it completely took me over. I’d like to make it up to you by helping with dinner tonight?”

Her fiancée smiled, “You’re on. Apology accepted.”

Lauren’s voice from behind them took their attention. She had been watching the family rather intently, “So is this the famous Amber? And I’m guessing that’s Catra? Your fiancée Catra?”

“Uh yeah…” Adora was caught off-guard, not expecting to have to introduce them to another patient she had barely talked to, “This is, um, Lauren was it?”

The woman stood up and grabbed Catra’s hand, staring into her eyes for just long enough to be awkward, “Hello Catra. I’m so glad to meet you, Catra.”

“Um, it’s nice to meet you too?” the young woman was stunned by the fervent welcome. She cast a side glance towards her girlfriend that silently asked what was happening, being met with shrug in response, “Anyway, we need to get this little lady home. Ready, Amber?”

“Yes!” the girl responded with excitement, “Bye lady!”

Lauren gave her a wave, “Goodbye. And goodbye Adora and Catra, I know we’ll be good friends!”

“God, I hope not,” Catra muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been quite a week, I'm actually amazed I managed to get this done and be reasonably happy with it. Now the big dramatic part of this story is over, it always feels a little anticlimactic finishing the ones after.
> 
> Next time: We'll find out what happened on Catra, Mara and Amber's trip to Plumeria Island!


	7. Back to Plumeria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra, Mara and Amber take a break and head to Plumeria Island, but things don't go according to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alice doesn't do endings well, part 221. 
> 
> But at least we finish on a happy note! Also Perfuma does some A+ parenting

“Alright!” one of the Plumeria Island volunteers, a blue-haired girl who looked barely old enough to be working, shouted to quieten the gaggle of people milling around the area in front of her, “People for the 1 o’clock nature walk, please follow me!”

“Ooh, that’s us, Amber!” Mara enthusiastically took hold of her niece’s hand and urged her forward. Though the two had only met three weeks ago, when Mara came to see how Adora was doing, they’d formed a bond almost immediately. Even Adora herself had felt a little bit of warmth inside at seeing them together. Amber had been so thrilled when Catra told her about the trip to Plumeria Island and begged her to let her aunt come along too.

The girl looked up at her, full of wonder, “Are you excited to see all the flowers, Aunt Mara?”

“I am! I can’t wait to see some blue ones, because that’s my favourite colour. What about you?”

“My favourite is yellow, ‘cause it’s like the sun.”

Mara smiled down at the youngster, “Yellow is a really pretty colour, I’m sure we will see some yellow flowers.”

The dozen or so people who had assembled for the walk began to quieten down, waiting for the blue-haired girl to start talking. She cleared her throat loudly to gain the attention of the last few members of the crowd who were still chatting away at the back and launched into her introduction, “Hi everyone, welcome to Plumeria Island, I’m Frosta. Today we’re going to be taking a walk around to see some of the amazing plants and animals we have here on the island. It’ll take about an hour, and with any luck, you’ll be able to catch a glimpse of some of our rarest wildlife. If you’ve got any questions as we go around, don’t be shy – come and ask! Now, if we’re all ready, let’s move!”

Frosta walked a few paces backwards, making sure that the group knew to follow her, and then took off at a brisk pace. It took three or four minutes for the procession of people to find their way into the nature reserve proper, but once they did, she began to show off her expertise in the local wildlife. Her talk started by telling everyone about some of the unique plant life that grew along the sides of the path, and the bustling community of insects that they attracted, before moving on to the species of birds that called the island home. When the group started moving again, Mara and Catra let Amber run on ahead, and took the opportunity for a hushed conversation.

“How’s Adora been?”

Catra looked down at the ground, “It’s been a difficult week. The woman who shouted abuse at her got convicted on Monday and I think it’s hit her hard.”

“It did?” Mara wore a look of confusion, “I thought she’d be happy about that.”

“She hasn’t said anything about it, but yesterday she was…wow,” she pinched the bridge of her nose as tears rose to the surface, “I had her pretty much on her knees in front of me, screaming her lungs out and begging me to give her a knife. Fuck, Mara, I can’t bear seeing her like that.”

“Adora’s getting the help she needs though, right?” Mara put an arm around Catra’s shoulder, bringing her closer, “You’re doing incredibly well looking after Amber and Adora on your own. I wish I could help out more, and I will when I can… but you’re keeping your family together. You’re doing really well, you know?”

Catra gave an ironic laugh, “I’m not. She told me I was useless, and she’s not wrong. No matter how hard I try, I’m not good enough for her and I never have been.”

“Shut up.”

“What?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. But you are the best thing that ever happened to my sister. Me and our parents, we saw what she was doing to herself and we pretty much stood by. I’ve been awful to her and I’m so sorry. But you… _you_ were the reason she did so well for so long. And when things did get too much for her, it was _you_ that worked hard to get her help. _You_ are the reason she’s still alive, Catra. Of all the things you are, useless is not one of them.”

The younger woman nonchalantly waved a hand in front of her, a wordless way to say ‘ _I think you’re wrong’,_ before pulling herself from the spiral into self-hate, “Thanks, I guess. Anyway, we’ve come here for a break from all of that. Let’s go catch up with the kiddiewink and enjoy ourselves.”

Mara and Catra picked up their pace, returning towards the front of the group where Frosta had stopped to point out a couple of deer grazing in a nearby clearing. Amber wasn’t so interested in them as much as she was a row of daffodils lining the path. Her aunt joined her to investigate those and various other flora in the area, finding several different colours and types of flower before Frosta moved the group on again. As they moved further into the forested area, the adults found themselves rapt with the explanations of the island’s history. Frosta explained how it had once been used for military purposes during the war, and then allowed to return to nature in the decades after. It was fascinating for them, though Catra imagined it would be less so for her daughter. So that she didn’t feel left out, during a lull in the talk, she spotted something she thought the youngster would like and called her over.

“This flower is really pretty! Come and see it, Amber,” she turned around, but saw no sign of her daughter, “Amber?”

Mara noticed Catra’s alarm and noticed the same feeling rising up inside of her. She scanned the area but likewise found no trace of the girl. They exchanged a worried glance, Catra starting to enter a state of panic, with her heart racing and breathing becoming erratic.

“She can’t have gone far,” Mara reassured, “Don’t worry, we’ll find her.”

* * *

“Butterfly!” Amber exclaimed as she saw the insect come to rest on the leaf of a plant beside the pathway. It was one of the most beautiful she had ever seen – red, black and orange – and it was much larger than she thought butterflies could be. She went for a closer look, but the creature flew off and Amber began to chase it through the woods beside the path. It came to rest on some wildflowers, which she made straight for, however it took flight once again as she approached, heading into the sky and out of her vision. Amber grumbled a little, disappointed that she had missed her chance to see it up close. Maybe the nature walk lady would find another one that she could show her mum and aunt. She turned around to head back towards the path, but the trees had obscured her view, meaning she no longer knew where it was.

“Aunt Mara? Mummy?” her breathing became rapid as it dawned on her that she had lost them. Her mind went to the worst-case scenario – that she would be trapped on the island, alone, forever – and she burst into tears, still shouting for her mother. In her panic, she couldn’t even remember which way she had come from and started running straight ahead, still crying loudly. No matter how far she sprinted, out of the forest and towards an open meadow, there was no sign of Mara or her mother. She no longer knew what to do – no idea where she was, where anyone she knew was, or even how to get back home – so Amber simply sat cross-legged on the grass, alone, and sobbed.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Amber heard a voice nearby and jerked her head in the direction it came from, momentarily stemming her tears from the surprise. A few feet away stood a young woman with wavy blonde hair that came down almost to her waist, “Are you lost?”

The girl nodded rapidly, the mix of despair at being alone and the shyness of meeting a stranger prevented her from being able to speak.

“My name’s Perfuma. What’s yours?”

“A- Amber.”

Perfuma gave her a reassuring smile, something she hoped would cheer the young girl up, “It’s lovely to meet you Amber. I’m one of the people that works here, so I’ll help you. Where did you last see your mum or dad?”

“My… my Mummy was with my Aunt Mara d- doing the walk with the lady,” she spluttered and gasped for breath as she attempted to calm herself back down, “But I don’t… I don’t know wh-where they went.”

“Come with me, we’ll go back to the visitor centre which is where they will be at the end of the walk,” she came over to kneel beside Amber, “We can sit down and drink orange juice while we wait. How about that?”

“Okay,” the youngster replied barely audibly.

“Don’t worry, darling. We will definitely see them again,” Perfuma adjusted herself to a sitting position. She was hoping that her comforting would have given the girl a little more happiness but didn’t see the optimism she expected. In fact, Amber seemed to have started crying more, “Is something else wrong, sweetheart?”

“My mummy is sad,” Amber sniffled, “Mummy Catra won’t tell me why and I’m scared I did something. She doesn’t play with me anymore, not since the ambulance people came. And she doesn’t talk much.”

Perfuma felt the young girl’s sorrow. Though she didn’t know exactly what had happened, Amber’s description gave her a good idea, and she had a lot of sympathy for the youngster’s parents. Though it was very much _not_ something she had imagined she would have to talk about at work today, Perfuma wanted to help support the girl and began to broach the difficult subject, “Do you ever feel sad, Amber? What makes you sad?”

Amber thought for a few moments, “I get sad when Evie plays without me at school.”

“Feeling left out like that would make me sad too,” Perfuma was intent on helping, but this was all a bit of improvisation. She hoped that it would eventually make sense to herself, let alone Amber, “And what makes it better?”

“If she plays with me as well. And sometimes Mummy Catra or Mummy Adora gives me a hug, which always makes me feel better.”

“Can you imagine what it would be like if a hug didn’t make you feel any better? I think that’s what it’s like for your mum at the moment. Do you know what depression is, Amber?”

The girl shook her head. She’d never heard the word before.

“It’s an illness that people sometimes get. But instead of giving you a cough or making you sick or giving you a rash on your skin, it’s an illness that makes you feel sad. It sounds like your mummy has it.”

Amber pondered her words, “Oh, but my mummy does have a rash on her skin. She’s got lots of red lines on her leg. I saw them once, but she won’t show me again.”

Perfuma almost let a shocked ‘oh my God’ escape but caught herself. That was a topic she was entirely too unqualified to talk to someone else’s child about and decided to let it pass by, hoping Amber wouldn’t ask any more questions. She continued where she left off, “When somebody has depression, it does a lot of nasty things to them. As well as being sad, it makes them very tired, so they might not have the energy to play, and I imagine it must feel like she doesn’t want to see you sometimes.”

“She doesn’t,” the youngster’s gaze dropped, “She tells me to leave her alone.”

“She still loves you, Amber. I think that maybe she worries that you’ll be sad too if you see her being sad.”

“Will she get better?”

“I’m sure she will,” the young woman smiled, “She might take some tablets or spend time talking to doctors to help. And it might not ever go away, but she won’t always be as sad as she is now. There is one thing that really, really helps though.”

The girl tilted her head, “What’s that?”

“Well,” Perfuma came closer and whispered, “I’ve heard that getting lots of hugs from little girls called Amber works wonders.”

For the first time since they’d been talking, Amber giggled, “You’re being silly!”

“Okay, maybe a little. But I know what I’m talking about – did you know that I have that illness too?”

“Wow, really?” her eyes grew wide, “But you’re not sad.”

Perfuma chuckled to herself. The kid didn’t even know the half of it, but if nothing else, it had given her the confidence in what she was saying about recovery, “I take my medicine and I do what the doctors told me to do. Sometimes I get sad, and it’s not very nice, but I have lots more days when I’m happy. Your mummy will be the same when she gets better, so all you need to do now is to show her how much you love her and that will help her get well again.”

The two returned to their feet and wandered at a slow pace back towards the visitor centre, Amber feeling significantly happier after talking about her mother. Upon arrival, true to her word, Perfuma brought a glass of orange juice to the kid and sat with her until Catra’s silhouette appeared in the doorway.

“Amber! Oh my God, baby,” she sprinted across the room and squeezed her daughter tightly, “I was so worried. Are you okay?”

The girl grinned, “I’m okay Mummy! My friend Perfuma found me and we talked about Mummy Adora. I’m going to give her hugs so she’s not sad.”

Catra glanced across quizzically at the woman sat at the table with them, then mouthed a ‘thank you’. Perfuma responded with a small shrug to show that it really was no bother to her.

“It sounds like you’ve had quite the day, Amber,” Mara appeared next to her, “Shall we go back and get Mummy Adora?”

“To cuddle her?”

She laughed, “Yeah. To cuddle her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was one of the most important, rewarding and cathartic stories I've written. Thanks for coming along for the ride! Adora's going to get better - at least, just enough to be able to face getting married. She'll need to be careful and nice to herself, but who doesn't need to do that more?
> 
> Up next: A short story where Seahawk gives Bow some fatherhood tips, and I try to make it span about 6 months of time because I'm just too excited for the wedding :D
> 
> Also as we approach the end of the series, I'm starting to look at some happy endings. The final chapter is planned to be a few little mini-stories showing everyone's lives a few months after the events of the previous dramatic ending. Now I've got plans for Catra, Adora, Amber, Bow, Glimmer and Mara... but tell me - what would you like the other characters we've met to be doing? What happy endings would you like for people like Scorpia and Entrapta, Mermista and Seahawk, maybe some of the other princesses or DT too - anyone we've met along the way? Let me know and I'll do my best to give them the life they deserve!


End file.
